It’s hard to imagine summarizing my recovery from anorexia and exercise addition into a single post. Truthfully I want to write a book one day. I battled this disease for over a decade and have been in therapy for over 6 years. I’ve invested countless hours towards my recovery; doing the hard work to heal. One of the most important things I slowly realized early on in this journey is that I don’t have to carry my burdens alone. I don’t have to struggle in silence.
I plan to write more on this topic but for now you can listen to the following podcast episodes where I share in detail the story of my eating disorder, my recovery journey, and what I’ve learned along the way.
MY EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PODCAST EPISODES:
I believe when we endure a dark night of the soul we acquire gifts. And I believe my experiences gifted me with empathy, compassion, holding safe space, understanding, patience, and trust. I’ve recognized these gifts help me to show up for other’s in a really genuine way, especially with other women.
I’ve finally arrived at a place where I am grateful for all the suffering I experienced. I realize now that it is because of my journey, that I possess this depth of understanding and empathy. I am no longer an empty shell of myself. I have learned how to take care of myself with love and compassion and now can offer the same to others.
I have so much compassion for where I was while in the midst of my disorder. I just wanted to be accepted. I just wanted to live up to other’s expectations of what I thought they wanted me to be…what I “should” be. I made all kinds of rules for myself to maintain this mold.
All I really wanted was to be seen and loved for who I was. But that was the problem: I didn’t believe I was enough, as I was. I always felt like I had to be better. I was constantly efforting and striving. I was sick. And it was excruciatingly exhausting. It was such a hollow and empty existence. To live as a shell of yourself. I wasn’t really here. I was going through the motions, but I wasn’t really here. How could I be? All my energy was going towards keeping me alive.
I know this blurb is a bit all over the place. As I mentioned before, I want to write more on this topic but for now I just want to say how unbelievably freeing it is for me today, to be able to speak on this topic, because for SO long this disease kept my quiet. My eating disorder felt like an all-powerful force that dictated my entire life. Speaking aloud my experiences on my podcast has been in integral part of my healing journey. So thank you for being here and for listening.
Here is a poem I wrote a few years ago when I was coming out of a relapse in my eating disorder recovery journey. I never titled it but it speaks to me just the same.
Sticks and stones
My bones have grown
I used to hide
What once was cold
Comprised of mere skin and bone
What once was so frail
But a frame of bare timber and nail
Had shrunk & shriveled
So small and disfigured
A deep cold that stayed, lingering
Until a beam of white light
A warmth of desire so trite
A small flame ignited
In truth it delighted
To know it could live
But great effort it would give
To grow out of a line, knowing what’s yours is NOT mine
This race to save face
Why had I never known my place
My spine stands straight
The ligaments can now carry their weight
I’m hungry to stand tall
I will rise and cast my call
They will listen to my voice
It’s chords brightened, by choice
I want to live.